Who Am I?

I AM my ancestors (who continue to live in my DNA and blood), and Everything I’ve experienced up to this point since the moment of my physical birth–and perhaps from Beyond it too!

My physical body consists of “star stuff”: dirt and water, the elements of the earth and stars. I breathe, because our Creator Source once breathed a soul essence into a human being. No human has ever created another living breathing life from nothing. We make babies from a male and a female human BE-ing. Our breath originated somewhere. WE human BE-ings can only share breath. Our essence came from some ONE. That is logic.

Let me present some definitions to you, as you may need some context around this article before you can really “get it.”

  • Ancestors – anyone who shares my DNA and/or blood. I see this as a line, past, present, and future. What I experience today (in the Now), ah yes, is driven, or built upon, the foundation that all my previous living relations have experienced. This line allows me to affect change in the lives of those I am currently related to, as well as who will come down in the future–my legacy).
  • Blood – the viscous liquid coursing through my veins. It is a well established fact, and proven by my mother, that when a mother and father’s blood is incompatible a baby cannot naturally come forth from them. Yes, of course today it is known that with medical intervention a baby can be saved–but at times, there are still complications from the blood mismatch).
  • DNA – The biological, scientific explanation of the genetic carrier of information (deoxyribonucleic acid) that exists inside of each of us–not seen by the naked eye–which allows each of us to self-replicate. This substance is claimed to exist in “nearly all living organisms as the main constituent of chromosomes.”
  • Aware / Awake person – One who has an open mind to acknowledge that there’s a lot more information around us than what our established five senses interprets on a daily basis.
  • Everything – All of one’s vibrations, energy, thoughts, ways of interpreting, and actions.

Why does it matter?

If I know who I am, then it gives me many clues as to why I’m here, and my purpose for living. Also, I feel it matters to my family, both past, present, and future.

Why am I writing this now?

To ease feelings associated with loneliness and loss, both for myself and others. And my hope is that the more we research and discuss our Connections, the better we can use our experiences to heal ourselves, and loved ones.

Background.

I’ve been interested in my genealogy for many years, and in particular my Native American roots since I love and am drawn to so many things said, and made by Native Americans. However, after my mom passed away (transitioned to the other side), I began experiencing stupefying co-incidences. Actually, I began experiencing incredible synchronicities even before, mama crossed over. And as an “aware” person, I began noting these occurrences and writing them down.

Before my mom passed, but after dad had called me to tell me she wasn’t doing so well, I had decided that I needed to find a piece of jewelry mom had given me years ago. In looking for the item though, I didn’t find it. Instead, I found a beautiful old watch of hers and a pocket watch, which I think had belonged to my grandfather (though I’m not sure).

I placed both items on our coffee table and felt better having these pieces near me. Call it a vibration thing, I don’t know. But I felt a bit better.

It was only a day or two until I got the call from dad that mom was unresponsive. My mind still wasn’t sure that meant she had passed though, so I’d reached out to my nurse friend to ask. I had kept busy for several hours that morning, pacing, and waiting on a confirmation from dad. I knew I wanted to get to where they were and be with dad–it was a “pull” that I’d not quite felt before. While preparing for the multi-state drive, at some point the thought came to me, “It was my time.” And bingo. That’s when it hit me. The synchronicity of the items I’d found was mom’s spirit telling me that it was her time to go, and for me to be okay with it–since she’d confirmed it by having me find not just one, but two, TIME PIECES!

She used to tell me as a teen that I was thick headed. So, I laughed out loud because I knew this was her way of reminding me of that also! That if I didn’t “get it” from finding her watch, then she’d make SURE that I understood that it was her time by having me find that second time piece! Aha! Mom was with me. I had even told someone a week or so prior that mom’s dementia sort of had her “one foot in this world, and one in the other.”

When my husband and I arrived in West Virginia, my dad was outside of the local hotel to greet us! No time was wasted! And as the Universe would have it, as we walked into the lobby of the hotel and conference center, a lone man was sitting there softly playing his guitar and singing. The song? One of mom and dad’s favorites, “Unchained Melody.” There was also, at this same time, a taxidermist convention going on–and my paternal grandfather was a taxidermist! It caused me to ponder, is mama (in the Great Beyond) hanging out with my grandparents? What a comforting and cool thought.

We spent several days with dad, but then it was time to go home. Before we could get out of the state however, my uncle would not take no for an answer that we needed to come to his home because he had something of mom’s for me. My aunt even got on the phone to tell me there was a mink coat amongst the things mom had put in their cedar closet. I couldn’t imagine my mother having a mink coat, so yes, the curiosity got the best of me and I did one of the purely selfish things I’ve ever done. I decided we’d drive a 3 to 4 hours out of our way, and go see my aunt and uncle and pick up whatever mom had packed away. My uncle also surprised us by calling my cousins and had them come to the house to visit us–something I’d never imagined would happen, but oh, how joyous that reunion was!

Finding mom’s wedding suit, and many special coats that I remembered mom wearing, along with other clothing she’d put aside, was all so very comforting for me. And as I spent weeks looking at old photos and seeing mama wearing these clothes, totally made me feel as though she was guiding my efforts. I poured through many photos in order to put together mom’s eulogy and photo slideshow.

In the weeks that followed, we would all discuss what kind of service to have for mom. My dad, so overcome with grief, would call me almost daily, and often I could hear the shakiness of his voice on the other end of the line. I tried my best to reassure him that he had more to live for, a purpose yet to fulfill.

Eventually, we’d agreed to honor my mama by having my uncle, mom’s brother, facilitate a memorial service for mom. I wasn’t going to go, but when I learned that my dad’s sister (who lives in California) would be there for her reunion during the same week, and wanted to also attend mom’s service, I began looking for a flight up. Initially, the airline I normally use, didn’t have any direct flights in. I tried to console myself that I’d just have to miss the service. But, out of the blue, the thought came to check ALL airlines, and I was able then, quite easily actually, to book a flight up with one airline into one city, and the return flight home with another airline out of a neighboring state–in the same town as one of my cousins also, whom I’d always wanted to visit with at her home!

More synchroncities.

As if, the audacity of the synchronicity of finding two of mom’s time pieces wasn’t enough, don’t you know that when I got to West Virginia for mom’s memorial service, my dad presented me with another time piece of mom’s, her favorite, “footprints in the sand” wrist watch!

Also, what really knocked my socks off, was that as soon as dad and I arrived at my uncle and aunt’s home for the service, I saw my uncle and he was wearing an indigo blue long sleeved dress shirt! If you haven’t read one of my previous posts called, “That Tiny Blue Dot” then you won’t understand the significance of this synchronicity, but the importance of it was not lost on me!

As well, the tables set up to be used for mom’s memorial service all had indigo blue plastic table cloths on them! I couldn’t have been more wrapped in love during that day, knowing mom was with me.

At  one point during the service an eagle or hawk flew directly over head! And after the service, I learned that the beautiful blooming tree (that can be seen in the videos I took of the service) is a crepe myrtle, and more than that, it had been brought back by my grandparents after a trip they’d taken years ago to Florida! I’d never known them to take a vacation in their lives, especially not all the way to Florida! I was astounded!

After the service, dad and I checked into the hotel. Quite purposely I had booked us a room at the same hotel where my dad’s sister was staying so we could visit more with her.

As it turned out though, it seemed mom had a hand in this from the other side, as while dad and I walked into the hotel restaurant area, he is looking around and tells me that he hasn’t been there in years—since he had picked up mom and one of her friends when they had imbibed and didn’t want to drive home! I was stunned! I had heard mom say she used to sell Avon at one of the hotel restaurant lounges during a particular span of time (when I had moved away and was busy raising my kids), but I had never gone there with her, and all these years later the hotel’s name had changed. Turns out we were right where we needed to be, as the friend dad mentioned, joined us for a cocktail and a beautiful conversation later that evening after my aunt left to attend a reunion function.

The morning after we’d returned home, I had awoken with a song in my head. It was an old song. Gilbert O’Sullivan’s, “Alone Again” would play over and over in my mind, and with it came the feeling that mom was giving it to me, to help me cry and release the grief.

I continue to notice and enjoy the many synchronicites that mom’s provides me. Most recently, it was meeting an artist friend who paints using a lot of indigo blue, that she herself had not realized she was using!

The importance of writing it down.

Historically, the church I was raised in kept intricately detailed genealogical records. They are publicly known for this. Because of this, and since it was always the church’s practice to offer their members something called a patriarchal blessing, mom had learned that she was from the tribe of Manasseh.

I also know, but as of yet have been unable to prove, that my mother, and her mother, carried the blood of their Native American (Cherokee) relatives. Since the Native American lineage is traced via the mother, and recorded on tribal rolls, I’ve bought many books on the Cherokee tribes and have found my grandmother’s maiden last name, but not her mother’s maiden last name. So many of the tribal rolls don’t even show a first name, or only first initials, making proving my Indian heritage nearly impossible. Please reach out to me if you have any suggestions. My great grandmother’s name was Hannah McGill Calhoun of West Virginia and her mother’s name was Louisa McDonald McGill.

Since I’d give anything to find some handwritten family history by my ancestors, I began writing, and later, blogging, so my granddaughters will have something to be able to know and understand a bit about their grandmother–me.

The importance of learning and continued growth.

You know, while writing my mother’s eulogy these words came to me, “I could burn a lot of people.”But I felt, based upon everything I’ve learned and accepted up to this point in my life, that it would be better to honor mom’s memory, life, and who she raised me to be, by choosing instead to elevate, and take the high road so to speak, because I am not angry anymore. I’m not.
For three weeks I poured through pictures of mom and my relatives. I cried. I got angry. But, I employed tools and tactics that I’ve learned over the last 10 years or so, to press on, release, and let go. By the end of the time I spent preparing my loving mother’s eulogy, I got to the point where I could just say, “Thank You.” Not just to my mother, but to many relatives and friends who, over the years, came and went, and taught us all many lessons.
I thank each of the people who have touched my life, for good or bad, for my personal growth. I believe the word “lessons” and the word “blessings” have a lot in common. And that either by the sins of commission or the sins of omission each of us can learn, if we are open to learning. Oh, we could bury ourselves in the dirt of these so called sins. But I make a conscious choice to learn from what’s happened to me. And now, I believe after we cross over in the ALL, that we then are able to see all of the intricate Connections, and come to know of the Why things had to happen in every circumstance, the way that they did.  All learning produces strength of character and more importantly, strength of spirit.
Do I still get mad sometimes? Yes.
Do I want to get revenge? Yes.
Would it change anything? No.
So, this is why I practice self-help, self-care, prayer, meditation, and other mind-body-spirit modalities. And slowly, I let go of the anger–and I get another side benefit from all of this work too, the resentments vanish.
You know, it’s ironic that mom’s remains are in her old bedroom of the house she was born in.
The place she would attempt to come back to once, and my grandmother (according to what mom told me) said, “You are welcome, but not with Sheila.” Either because she said this, or my mother interpreted her words to mean that because I was a part of my father, my grandmother did not want me to live in her house. My grandmother (at least at that time) did not like my dad, and I guess, that was the reason for her answer to my mother’s request.
These are the kinds of things I can’t seem to forget.
I believe the reason some memories nag us, is not to heap guilt (which is just another kind of thought) on us, but to remind us that we’ve missed a legacy lesson.
Mom always taught me to turn a thought about a problem, “over and over in my head” until a solution presented itself. Well, I sat with this for some time until a new thought came to me, “Let go of my hurt feelings, angst, even anger towards my granddaughter’s father. As I mentally released him from the prison I’d constructed in my mind for him, I’d break the spell (so to speak) of my grandmother’s words about me! Thus freeing my grandmother, my mom, myself, my daughter, my granddaughter, and so on! This is one small, or huge, example of the lesson I needed to learn. Perhaps I could apply it similarly in other situations?
Have I made mistakes too? You betcha.
Once, I talked with mom and dad about somehow helping them to buy them a new double-wide or other kind of trailer on their property, and they said, “No.” I replied something to the effect of, “Then, you can stay here in this place and let it fall down around you.” Ugh! My words came out the way that they did based upon the helpless feelings I felt at the time. I almost found it hard to live comfortably wherever I was living at the time, while watching my parents live in what I deemed was substandard housing. Plus, I had felt so much sadness that I couldn’t somehow free my mother from the trappings of her then painful life. But I realized later, there was nothing for me to feel guilt about since I did offer, and my offer was met with much resistance. Because I haven’t worked on freeing myself of these particular thoughts (resistance), you guessed it, my son is now going through this very same “clean up the property” experience with my dad.
You see? We each have a choice. We can accept offers of love and help, or we can choose to turn our backs and do it all ourselves.
Of course, now my mother is free. Free at last. And me? I will continue to seek solace in God and every living creature. Not in ashes. Not in trying to change the past.
While visiting Marie and my beautiful granddaughters over July 4th week, I said that perhaps mom’s strong faith, returned to her as her dementia progressed. She lived in utter gratitude daily for papa caring for her and any and all things my son, Matt, and his then wife, did for her. Total gratitude.
I believe the gratitude my mother displayed taught me to place great importance upon healing (with love and conscious awareness) those who carry her blood. All of her love beats within my spiritually open heart.
I Am Free.
Blessed be. OM

 

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About My Blog Name

Take It Upon Yourself is about accepting responsibility for yourself. Your health. Your dreams. Your talents. Your passions and desires. It’s about knowing who YOU are.

Who are you? Have you asked yourself this question? Have you said, “Self, who am I”?

Take a look in the mirror – go ahead, take a good look. Do you know who you are? I realize I may err on being a bit annoying here. But I just wonder how many of us really examine ourselves – and ask ourselves this question. How well do we know our own unique person… mind, body, and soul (or spirit if you’re so inclined to believe in a spiritual self). Each of us have a unique set of fingerprints to remind us that we’re all different, particular, specific individuals.

I’ve been asking myself who I am since turning fifty (50) years of age. I am on a journey of self discovery. I can describe attributes and characteristics of myself, but who am I?

I have discovered that I am Energy, focused in a physical body. I am the sum total of my previous choices and experiences.

I’ve accomplished many things that I never thought I would. I’ve been given everything I have ever wanted. Along the way I did some things I would not do again – but I learned lessons from those experiences. I can’t explain why I did some of the things I did, but I think I had good reasons at the timeI think most people act on the best information they understand at the time.

So, I can’t condemn my former self since I acknowledge that my past choices taught me lessons and turned me into the person I accept as my self today. I believe love is a choice. Life, humility, gratitude, sanity – all are choices.

I have also come to an awareness that beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking over and over – we always have the power within us to think different (better) thoughts and change ourselves if we don’t like what we see in the mirror. Me? I’m always changing!

So, who am I? LOL

I accept responsibility, fully, for who I am. And I deeply love and accept myself for who I am.

I am a mother, a new grandmother, and wife. I’m a highly responsible individual. I take it upon myself to feel better and make healthy choices everyday. I’m fabulous. 🙂 And I bet you’re fabulous too!

I am more than my mind, body, and soul / spirit. I am the culmination of everything I’ve experienced. And I stand on GREAT shoulders. Strong, loyal, God-loving, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and so on.

I have also had great mentors and teachers along the way too! Thankfully, God gave me one in particular who proved the value of higher education to me many years ago (because I couldn’t wait to finish high school and had never wanted to go to college). She proved me wrong. Obtaining two degrees kept me gainfully employed on my career path!

Some of my ancestors were persecuted for their beliefs, religion, and even their race, which knowing this – keeps me grounded and humble. I believe that also is the reason, or at least one reason, why I am an empath. I am strong. A survivor of hurt, pains, and traumas. A survivor of former marriages, of loves lost.

I look in the mirror and see a woman who’s changed – a lot!

I now eat foods that I didn’t eat five (5) years ago. I beat asthma. I’m a creative and technical career woman. I’ve co-written songs (with my talented soul-mate hubby), and tried all sorts of alternative health modalities that most of my family and friends haven’t yet explored. I’ve gained weight, but I’ve lost it too! I consider myself somewhat of a renaissance woman. Forging ahead and leading my daughter and granddaughter down new trails.

Taking it upon myself, I want something better for them, an easier path perhaps, than what I had. And I know a lot of people who feel the same way. They want to give their kids more than they had – not material things exactly – but knowledge!

Knowledge is power. An explored, informed, due diligence done, and educated response to life – wow! Just imagine the time I’ll save them, and maybe some pain too.

I heard it once said that a wise person learns not from experience, but from the experiences of others.

I’d like to go down that road less traveled. So, I invite you to… take it upon yourself.

Imagine who you want to be. Won’t you?