Do you feel as though you are reaching the end of your rope? Please read this first!

Originally published on EXAMINER June 5, 2016.

If you feel as though you might be reaching the end of your rope, please reach out to someone! Do not give up hope! Don’t end it all. It might feel hopeless to you in this moment, but please talk with someone — anyone! Maybe, consider talking with someone new!

I once worked with a young lady who committed suicide. I didn’t know her. One morning, after my meditation, a thought dropped into my mind. How sad was it that she ended her life and had never even had one conversation with everyone in our office! Sure, I had seen her around the office. She had even worked with someone sitting right next to me once. I’d passed her in the hall. I’d said hello to her while washing our hands in the ladies room. But, we had never had one conversation. And we had worked for the same company for more than two years.

I understand being an introvert. I am naturally introverted. But if you are going to make a conscious choice to end your life, which to me, would require a great deal of courage, wouldn’t you at least work up a little bit of that courage to talk with every person in your office, your neighbors, or someone walking down the street, FIRST?

What I am really suggesting is that there are untold opportunities to learn something new, experience a new way of looking at your problems, or perhaps, even a new way of living! Why would you want to end it all before even exploring any of those possibilities?

Somewhere, someone cares about you. And even if in this moment you can’t believe that could be true, YOU should care about you. Make a list, even if it’s just a mental list, of all of the things in your life that up to this point you’ve accomplished. Did you successfully get through elementary school, high school, college? Have you ever worked a job? Cared for a pet? Cared for a parent or a child? Have you ever told a joke, or made someone smile? If you could do any of those things, you can hold on for one more day. Give someone new a chance to show you life is worth living!

Tomorrow is another day. No man, woman, thing, or circumstance is worth ending your journey on this beautiful planet. Don’t take your own life!

You have choices!

Let’s say you’re in a narcissistic relationship. Perhaps even YOU might feel as though you are the narcissist.

You are worthy! Everyone is worthy of life!

Here are some links to direct you to my dear friend of mine, Beverly Banov Brown — who specializes in narcissistic relationship counseling.

Narcissistic relationships

Let’s say you’re depressed. And I know depression hurts. In this kind of situation, it kills.

Because I admit, you may be reading this from a very different mindset than the mindset that I wrote it, I will quote a dear friend of mine (who sent the following to me after she read the first publishing of this article). She wrote,

There is a difference between being depressed from the daily stresses of life and being clinically depressed. Unfortunately, when people suffer from clinical depression there is no space in their being to reach out to do the things you’ve suggested. There is no room in their chest for breath, no light in their heart to feel love from partners and family members. No energy for walks, only pain and it hurts to be alive. It’s a very dark place to live and one that is incredibly difficult to climb out of. In these situations, it is more helpful for a family member/loved one to be of service. Trying to “pick someone up” by being overly happy and energetic is misguided and a slap in the face to those who are suffering. Just sitting in silence and holding the space for their pain lessens the burden and creates an opening for dialogue. Try not to want to “fix” the person as they are not broken. In fact, they are very much alive and feeling the rawness of life itself. Lean into their pain and hold them as they tell you how dark it is. By sharing this space, it literally opens up new possibilities for a breath to be taken. It takes time and patience but each new breath will breathe life into the dark corners. Clinical depression is a life long battle and one that must be honored on a daily basis. Treat it as a friend, become intimate with it’s warning signs. Often times the person struggling with depression will feel a bout of it coming on. If caught before it has fully engaged the person’s mind, body and soul…then it is much easier to do the things that you’ve mentioned in your well written article. Thank you for addressing such an important issue. It needs to be talked about often and openly as so many of us suffer from this. Much of my life’s work will be directed toward people who struggle with depression and/or addiction.

In health and wellness, blessings to you.

My friend Robin poured this out to me from her wonderful open and loving heart. And from her experiential knowing of depression.

So, I am not a mental health counselor, nor did I originally write this article about those who are experiencing clinical depression per se. I am attempting though, to help you stop, breathe, or refocus–even if only in the smallest way–to give yourself a bit of hope and potentially the time to reach out to someone — anyone. I know suicide is a very complex and complicated subject, but I feel compelled to start somewhere after losing a beautiful young coworker.

After sharing the previous paragraph back to my friend, she wrote,

I hear you Sheila and am grateful that you are willing to write about this. My heart goes out to you and the loss that you experienced. Suicide is about clinical depression, the darkest and toughest depression to battle. My father took his own life one Sunday morning when I was 9 years old. He was bipolar with clinical depression on top of that. Those of us with parents that suffered from some form of mental illness, are oftentimes genetically predisposed to similar traits. My own battle with depression has led me into the belly of the beast. It’s a very scary experience for those who are standing in the fire. My advice to those who have loved ones that are going through this is to find them some immediate help. Waiting for a shift in their emotions is often a death sentence when truly at the bottom. You are a kind and loving person, I salute you for taking this subject on!

Yes, this subject is near and dear to me on many levels. The day that he took his life was the beginning of a very long journey for me. One that would take me decades to unravel. I have enormous empathy and compassion for human suffering. As long as we carry a body, we all suffer in different ways. Making yourself available to others with clear boundaries in place is a noble effort and one that is very much needed in this world! The one thing that I’m clear about…we are here to love and to help each other find our way home again.

So, I offer this updated article, that not only brings my thoughts, but those of my dear and beautiful friend to you in hopes that any of our words will help you in some way. I thank my friend for sharing her experience with us all, more than words can express! Much love! Hugs to you my dear heart!

Reach out to someone for help. And there are many people available to help you! There is always hope and grace, somewhere.

You can call Silent Unity for prayer, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at: 800-669-7729

There is no need you can have which is so trivial, no pain you can experience so great, that breath, prayer, and meditation cannot soothe.

Prayer has been the heart of Unity for more than a century. It’s a ministry available to serve anyone, no matter your faith, 24-hours-a-day, 7 days-a-week. You can write or call about any need, day or night, and a loving being will pray with you. We know you need someone who will listen to you and pray with you. All requests for prayer are confidential and treated with reverence.

Write to Silent Unity at:
1901 Blue Parkway,
Unity Village, Mo. 64065-0001

or call: (816) 969-2000

If you have no means to pay for the call dial:
(800) 669-7729

or you can always go online to: www.silentunity.org

Breath is always free. Focus on your breathing for awhile.

Go for a walk outside. See if you meet anyone along the way. Smile. Feel like you can’t? Try it anyway. One step at a time.

Sometimes we inherit (we “in hear” it; hear within) problems from our parent’s, relatives, or guardian’s — their argumentative or toxic relationships do not have to influence us though!

Sometimes we think we’ve made bad choices and cannot undo them. Think again.

If you are in a toxic relationship, consider if you care too much. Or perhaps you are an empath, always trying to help someone else. Now you’re drained of energy. Now you think there is no hope. But even false hope, is hope.

If you are an empath, know that empaths can naturally lean toward attracting narcissists. If you find that you’ve been trying to resolve someone else’s problems, and it’s all taking a toll on you, you need support! Only in movies are narcissists cured. Narcissists do not love themselves. And they can be very dangerous. Talk with someone who has the resources to help you.

The movie Moonstruck provides a glimpse into narcissism when Johnny’s mother is “dying everyday”. Some people go around claiming that they’re “dying everyday” for 20 years! In Moonstruck, Johnny’s mother manipulates the entire family. That character did not know “how to love”.

Go to YouTube and watch uplifting and informative videos, like the the ones presented by our good friend and life coach, Beverly Banov Brown.

If you are being mistreated or abused, consider this thought: People in pain cause other people pain. No one deserves to be bullied or abused. You do not deserve whatever negative thing someone is doing to you.

Some things to try in order to begin to feel hope and grace:

  • Put your hand on your heart and tell yourself that you love “you”. Say it again and again. Feel your heart beat. Relish in knowing it will beat for you even without you directing it to do so. Bless your heart.
  • Allow yourself to feel your pain, then as you exhale, allow a bit of it to leave your body. If someone wants to listen to your while you vent about what’s going on in your life, let them. Allow someone in.
  • Put your hands together when you pray. Don’t believe in prayer? Put your hands together and sit quietly. Ask for nothing. Just sit and breathe. Breathe deeply. Give yourself permission to cry, or laugh, or scream!
  • Scream! Afraid someone will hear you? Hope they hear you! You do not have to get through your situation alone.

What new and positive choices, are available to you now?

Life is for the living, go take a chance and live!

We understand that if you have been diagnosed by a medical professional as someone in clinical depression, you need professional help. This article is not intended to replace qualified licensed professional medical advice. This article is provided for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace discussions with a healthcare provider. All decisions regarding your care must be made with a licensed professional healthcare provider, considering your unique characteristics and health history.

Depression can present a high risk of suicide. Anyone thinking of suicidal thoughts should be taken very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) or the deaf hotline at 800-799-4889.

Ye who have ears, let them hear.

Blessings to you in ALL ways.

Amen. Namaste. OM

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Limitless God

I have been invited to many churches. And I’ve attended many different churches. Yet, I do not consider myself “religious.” For the one God I believe in, is my Creator, Source Energy, and this omniscience cannot be boxed in one religion. Omnipresence is larger, more vast and unending that any religion can describe or fully appreciate!

Religions, or labels of any kind, slow us down. They’re limiting.

There is a verse in the book of John, chapter 10 that says, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” I dwell often on that verse.

I believe in Jesus Christ and His teachings. Often, I find that I experience Jesus and His message, more profoundly than most people who label themselves as “Christians.” This is because His teachings “grow” me daily. The words attributed to Jesus “expand” me. Raise my vibration. Heighten my sense of “be-ing” alive. His teachings reveal a loving God. Thus, I’ve been able to shed the skin of religion.

We are all children of God–not the old man with the long white beard God– but rather an Ever-living, Limitless, Divine Intelligence, pulsating ENERGY that breathes and creates all life. And as God’s children, I believe we are all worthy. We all have merit.

Limitless God, Creator, Divine, Omni-everything is the only Source of our breath. Abundance is ours.

A leaf on a tree has the same nutrition flowing into it while it is growing on a tree, that the tree has. We are a but a branch of Source. Only when we attempt to cut ourselves off from Source do we wither.

The whole point of the Bible was to give us a way to live, a structure to follow, an essence of the Divine Holy Creator. Most of us need structure. Most of us are too scared to really live the fullness of the lives we came here to live. But too many people use the Bible (or they’re chosen Holy book) as a crutch, and never GROW up and through it. People want to judge others, but never cleanse themselves with the holy waters of the divine message.

People don’t want to follow biblical dietary laws. The Bible has instructions about what foods would benefit our human bodies. And yes, I know it’s really hard not to eat for a day. Jesus encouraged us to die to the flesh daily, which I’ve always thought meant to put off my fleshly desires, in order to become more righteous, but now I see this as a test of will, to abstain from food or other things for a time, in order to reveal our true nature.

Throughout history, many people have gone multiple days or weeks without food, and they lived through it. We’re just spoiled. We only live for comfort these days. We only want to satisfy our taste buds. If you can’t even skip a meal, skip your meat, or dairy, why would a LIMITLESS unbounded Omniscient God reveal ALL through you? Ye of little faith.

You’ve sat in churches and heard the milk of the message. Why? Because most preachers and pastors say that people just want the milk, and not the meat of it. Well, I don’t think many of us can even handle the milk! We’re biblically lactose intolerant!

So, yes, I’ve given up on organized religion. I’ve given up man-made sermons. Churches are run by limited people. And Creator Source (thank you infinitely!) has given me the key to knowing already–and it’s as close to me always as my breath.

Sure, I’ve studied the Bible, the Book of Mormon, Christ in You, and many other books about world religions and philosophies. Many profound. Many with aWEsOMe intelligence. But, I don’t think they are without error, since someone had to write each word. Inspired? Probably. And as a writer, I believe many of the things I’ve written were inspired too. Yet, I am not encouraging you to follow me.

I am encouraging you to study to show yourself approved and lean not to your own understanding. And open your mind a bit.

Breathe. Take a moment. Sit in quiet contemplation (meditation) without asking for ANYTHING. Detach from your surroundings. From your stuff. Both physically and emotionally. Just sit for awhile. Say “thank you.” Thank yourself. Thank Divine Presence. Be thankful you have a brain, a body, a working knowledge of the world. Be thankful for the cells of your body and that your Source Creator can and does fill all the space in and through each cell. God is there holding each cell in place, just as Omniscience holds all of the Universe in place. There is no place where God isn’t. There is NO such thing as empty space. You are never alone.

Often, when I come out of meditation, I am gifted with a phrase to think about. Sometimes, I tweet that phrase or message. Here are some:

  • Are you smarter than God? Do you presume to know which path is right to worship LIMITLESS Source Energy Creator?
  • What if God doesn’t need you? Would it upset your ego or your mind? Just let Omniscience BE.
  • Even the words that we use, are only symbols, often misconstrued. It’s nearly impossible to describe the vastness and ALIVENESS of God!
  • Deep, cavernous, and shallow in places – I  live at the foot of God’s throne. Omni-everything. Filling-All-Space Creator.
  • Limitless Ever-Living Filling-All-Space Creator God / Divine Source set you FREE! Live from that FREEDOM now!
  • Why is too big of a question to ask. We could never contain the answer. Ask yes or no questions, or to be “shown” how.
  • Some people are just harder to love than others because of the filters, our own unique ways of perceiving them.
  • You want freedom, God gave Free Will. Can you be responsible enough not to inflict pain on others?
  • Meditate on this: God fills ALL Space. OM
  • Imagine how ginormous God is. How could God be constrained by a name, much less one ideology?
  • Once you give someone a gift, don’t even think about it again because if you do, if you judge what they did with it, then it wasn’t a gift.
  • Two reasons “church” isn’t needed: 1) We are to study to show ourselves approved before God, and 2) Our body is our temple.
  • I don’t go to church. Why? Simply, I haven’t yet found a faith, much less a church, that could contain our LIMITLESS Creator Source — God.
  • Thank you for every “bump” in the road.
  • If you really knew that Limitless Divine Source Energy God Omniscient lived inside of YOU, filling all space, you would never hate yourself. You would KNOW that you are never alone.
  • Don’t you find it humorous that as soon as you break free of one paradigm, you find yourself in another?
  • YOU have the POWER in every moment to change your Mind. Focus on this. Human beings created All-Ah!
  • Oh yeah, it’s okay. It really is. Because all that Free Will still fits inside a Limitless Divine order. Always. ALL-ways.
  • Let’s keep our religious discourse so simple that a small child can understand. Creator Source God lives.
  • God still creates. God still communicates. God still inspires. So, it stands to reason there will continue to be art created, words spoken, and books written, which are divinely inspired.
  • Very simply, why do we limit God?
  • Think about this: No hope is false. Hope is hope!
  • Only go to a church, society, or group meeting that FEEDS and nurtures YOU. If it makes you feel bad because of gossip or hypocrisy–leave. Immediately!
  • The way in which you vibrate, whether you’re feeling good or bad, has an immediate impact on every cell of your body. Your being is always vibrating, resonating to the environment / conditions that surround you. You have the choice to put yourself in the best conditions for yourself now.
  • You and I are one imperfect being, who God Loves unconditionally! Conditions separate. Rules separate. Perfect love embraces, cherishes! Love unifies.
  • At some point outside today, FEEL and acknowledge Omnipresence when the breeze blows over you. That’s a warm hug from our Creator.
  • Deep, cavernous, and shallow in places – I live at the foot of God’s throne. Yes, even rocks, yeah, the very mountains… are ALIVE!
  • Do you know why I say our Creator “Fills-All-Space”? Because God is Omnipresent, Omnipotent, and Omniscient!
  • Why were we made in God’s image? To reflect God in all we be, do, and have!
  • Anytime I think, “me” I am in Ego. Anytime I allow God to flow through me, I am in Grace. Gratitude. Namaste.
  • WE are to reflect God upon each other, as water reflects the sky.
  • Unconditional love. Love without any conditions. We may not see ourselves or others the way God does, but we can try!
  • You ARE only seeing PART of the picture – ever. God.
  • Its simple really. Instead of “God made us in God’s image”, we see and make God to be like us, in our image. God is Energy, in All.
  • When what you believe in hurts other people rather than helps, it’s not about God, it’s about you.
  • Why were we made in God’s image? To reflect God in all we be, do, and have!
  • We are each a leaf on God’s tree (Gaia), each with our own unique perspective.
  • Most people have had God’s unconditional love, conditioned right out of them.
  • Whenever I FEEL bad, sad, mad, etc. it is always because my perspective differs from God’s POV which, is ALL WAYS unconditional.
  • Lonely, scared, or anxious? Be not afraid. You are never alone.
  • Uh, that thing called unconditional love you want to think you believe in, means loving through any & all conditions!
  • When you practice unconditional love, you’re not complaining. How peaceful would the world be if we all communicated when we’re happy?
  • Even children know this truth, play only with those you feel good around. Walk away from those who break your toys.
  • My gift to you, to all who are truth seekers. We Are All Connected.
  • There is only one absolute in the Universe: everything vibrates.
  • The paradox is: I change not, but I change everything. – God.

As I have previously written, God created us to show himself without ego. This came up again for me yesterday, as a new friend told me that EGO means “Edging God Out.” I love that! I love learning more ways to let go and relax my ego, and walk in and with God’s presence daily.

Ultimately, because people always want to limit, judge, label, quantify, and put everything within a structure–this is the reason for all faiths, religion, and dogmas, to provide us the structure and permission to walk in and with Divinity at all times. However, as we all know too well, some people take this to the extreme of thinking they ARE God, and use that to “lord it over” people or whole other cultures. That’s fanaticism.

So, you are invited to take God out of the box.

We Are All One. In that, there is not one of us who is better than another.

We Are All Connected by the very breath and energy of our omnipotent Limitless God. And in this way, we make a beautiful energetic tapestry that God can see, feel, and know. Ahh, such sacred beauty. Such balance. Such peace. Such astounding and unfathomable LOVE.

OM

For further practice (to study to show thyself approved to God):

  1. Meditate
  2. Breathe
  3. Walk in gratitude daily
  4. Really LOOK at nature, sit with a flower or leaf for a while
  5. Read good books that nurture your soul and spirit
  6. Listen with mindful awareness
  7. Let go of attachments, let go of anything that doesn’t serve you, including the past
  8. Activate your Faith! No worries–ever!
  9. Forgive, or better yet, don’t judge – Everything happens for a reason
  10. Watch for subtle clues and meaning–synchronicities
  11. There IS value in Everything (whether you can wrap your mind around that or not)

 

What happened after attending “Your Sensitivity Is Your Power” teleseries

Just before the New Year, I had the immense pleasure of doing a bit of “pre-paving” my future by attending Dr. Alison J. Kay’s, “Your Sensitivity Is Your Power” tele-call series, and wowee!!

So, what happened after I attended the tele-call series?

I gained a clarity of my own personal power. Almost like I was stepping up a staircase of emotional well-being and balance! Yes, I accepted an invitation from the Universe to step up my personal power by being on these calls, and I’m the better for it!

As a sensitive type of person–in my life having been known as one to cry easily, become overly concerned with other people’s dramas, or get easily overwhelmed, I noticed each day after the tele-call experience, I felt lighter, happier, and less concerned with other people’s “stuff” going on around me!

Sometimes, I tend to feel as though I am carrying the burden of other people so much, that I prefer not to interact with others at all. Much of those feelings lifted after the tele-call series for me, and continue to lift as time goes on.

People used to tell me they knew I was naturally empathic. Dr. Kay explained empaths and their traits in great detail during the tele-call series. She let us know how each of us could use our gift of empathy to give us more ease and comfort day-to-day. We learned how to use our sensitive side without losing our sense of self.

After each tele-call, I began to practice any/all of the following each day–whenever any difficult situation or conversation would occur:

  • Mentally ask myself,Is this mine?” And, if I knew it was NOT my problem, then I would mentally state, “Return to sender with grace, ease, and love attached, or I would simply state, “Send ’em love” (learned previously, but not practiced much) to really feel the vibrations emanating from my heart (the invisible intelligence Dr. Wayne Dyer used to speak of) going out to the person, lifting my feelings about whatever was going on.
  • Breathereally breathe, even take an extra walk as needed, climb stairs, stretch, or meditate. Then at my office desk, self soothe with my Young Living essential oils, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Jin Shin Jyutsu (JSJ), and/or Yamuna Body Rolling — using one ball behind my back and/or putting my bare feet on the foot wakers under my desk. (This has also has enabled me to share these modalities with others when they would ask what I was doing–Yay!)
  • Distance myself when my inner being tells me, re-soundly, that right NOW (in THIS moment), this person or place is not good for me (or I am not good for others in this space). I honor, respect, and love myself enough, to walk away and go to another place where I can feel good!
  • Set boundaries. I can choose whether–whatever is happing in this moment–conflicts with what I’ve previously written about (to “Be open to receive”) and to know that I am allowed also, to receive or not. Must I receive all and filter? Must I receive bad to receive good? Maybe. But, I have the power to choose that for myself.
  • Expand my energy – Each morning include in my meditation to go into my awareness and expand it outward to my family, my circle of influence, neighbors, local community, state, region, country, continent, and world. Celebrate the knowing of others via Twitter, Facebook, my blogs, etc. whom live in other countries. Celebrate this knowing of WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. This is true.
  • Empower myself. Indeed, put my cape on! 😉 Be my authentic self. Act on the truth that my inner being resonates with, i.e. when I feel my “God bumps”. I even signed up for Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith’s Life Visioning class, no doubt because of how powerful I felt after completing Dr. Kay’s tele-call series! How does it get any better than this? Yay! And later, I signed up for Yamuna classes (see this Examiner article I wrote) to learn about “Body Rolling”.
  • Though I know, I don’t act like it. It is never necessary to be the victim. I am not trapped. I always have a choice. I break any DNA, biological, mental, or spiritual chains that could have come through my lineage and blood. In the name of our Limitless, Ever-Living, Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Pulsating, Be-ing, Creator Source God who IS the Energy that holds the Universe together. Beyond what we can see. Beyond what we now know. Faith IS the substance of things not yet seen.

Empaths have our own level of sensitivity, level of awareness, unique energetic healing modalities, and spiritual gifts to share with the world! I am ready to share mine!

The tele-call sessions with Dr. Alison J Kay and her empowering messages and clearings, transformed past (even something that happened a moment ago is “the past”) shame of negative actions–allowing me to consciously “let go” of negative limiting thoughts, acknowledging that forgiveness is a daily process. I knew the pain I felt in my body were the cells of my body (scientist Candace Pert proved cells hold memories) calling out for me to transcend and know that really everything IS okay!

Dr. Kay’s clearings tuned me in and provided me with different verbiage to explain to myself, and to you in this post, what had been happening. Healing is an ongoing PROCESS!

Everyday life causes certain connections to occur:

  • The neighbor who may or may not smile at me when I step outside. That person doesn’t know me.
  • The store clerk that serves me may ask, “Did you find everything okay?” without really meaning it.
  • The restaurant owner’s son, who while ignoring us, scolded an employee (the employee was actually attempting to seat us) for not following proper procedures. He didn’t realize they would lose a customer by behaving that way in front of us, instead of just seating us–they could train their staff in private later!
  • The soldier (police, firefighter, teacher, or other public servant) who is just “doing their job” without considering the moral choices he or she actually has.

Many of us abdicate our ability to choose and lose a moment (or more) of happiness and joy for  ourselves and others. And we can help others – we really can! If we’re in better shape emotionally, mentally, and physically, we can change the world! And why is that important? Because We Are All Connected!

The energies and what I learned during Dr. Alison J. Kay’s tele-call series for sensitives continues to free me. The time spent on her calls FELT sooo good, not just for a short time, but weeks later.

About Dr. Alison J. Kay: Meditation and yoga teacher Dr. Alison J. Kay, offers weekly group telephone calls, online video-conferencing (Google Hangout), and private sessions where you can learn about meditation techniques. She teaches yoga classes too! Her group fitness classes include: yoga, mind-body, and core-strengthening.

Dr. Alison J. Kay studied in the east, Asia and India and thoroughly knows and understands the basis of the placebo effect (using several modalities, including meditation) and it’s relationship basis of subtle energy.

Learn more about Dr. Kay here –>> Alison J. Kay (Healer, author, yoga and meditation teacher, QiGong instructor, and coach)

The tele-call  series gave me hope for all of us to continue on our journey, learning and growing every day. To me, there is no such thing as “false hope”. Hope is hope. Because FAITH is the SUBSTANCE of things not yet seen.

I invite you to continue opening your mind to learning about something new in 2016 and beyond. You are never to old to be open to receive new and helpful information.

Be ye blessed in ALL ways.

 

Playing the “blame game” – climbing the emotional guidance ladder to a better feeling place

Playing the blame (guilt) game, ugh! But, I am where I am (as Abraham says) so, it’s gotta be okay. I am where I am in the middle of dis-ease, or grief, or shame, or self-loathing, or x-y-z, but, I am where I am and it’s okay. Why is it okay? Because I am where I am and I’ve got no other choice. Except to consciously take steps to improve my feelings, and reach a better feeling place. I want to feel better. I know it’s possible, but in “this moment”, my “now”, I am where I am!
I thought it might help me (and maybe others reading this who unfortunately fall into grief and despair), if I write down a couple of ways I worked through my pain over putting my beloved (almost 14 year old) best furry friend, Lou-Lou’s Beau “down”. (By the way, why the hell do they call it “putting him/her down” anyway? I think it should be “released” because my intention was to release him from his pain! Ugh! Beau 2009 summer
I also do EFT tapping using these statements which, helps to calm me and provide emotional relief. So here we go. Abraham (from the book, “Ask and It Is Given” state there are 22 groups of emotions one can be in, in any point in time. #22 is the lowest vibration, the bottom of the list. The lowest of the lows. So that’s where I start. Not to wallow, but you gotta start somewhere and that’s where I was the day I let Beau “go”.
The intention of “Ask and It Is Given” is to help us locate where we are, what state we’re in emotionally, at any given point, and move UP to a better feeling place on the list. The following are my words, using their numbering scale. I am not plagiarizing – but if you follow their list, you’ll see where I’m getting the terms from. Also, this is going to take awhile, so you may want to check back in a week or so to see how I’m doing, as my intention is to climb the emotional guidance ladder to a better feeling place.
22) I can find all kinds of reasons to feel guilty at this point (and I am talking “to” Beau at this point):
  • I could have researched more about your eye problem;
  • I could have had your eye removed; Beau closeup
  • I could have changed my mind, at any point, during the last year and a half regarding, “no more surgery” on you, after you had the kidney / bladder stone surgery.
  •  Stupid insensitive me held a belief, for some reason, that you shouldn’t have any more surgeries. Why?!? That was a limiting belief! Ugh!
  •  I was so afraid you couldn’t take another surgery. You’re older, you aren’t strong enough (Who the hell am I to judge that?)
  •  I’ve bought other things this year that I could have spent that money on you instead. You were much more important to me!!
  •  I could have spent every waking moment with you, instead of going shopping, or going to a class, or working! (Okay, really?)
  •  I miss you so much! I hurt because you are not here! I miss holding you, caring for your eyes, taking you to the groomer, feeding you, and walking with you!Beau 2008
  •  You were powerless and I feel horrible that you tried to tell me what to do but I didn’t listen, didn’t realize when you face planted off the couch that you were trying to pop your own eye out to relieve your pain and heal your body! Ugh?
  •  I am in despair that I now have learned that I could have asked one of your previous veterinarian’s to remove your eye! Actually none suggested that to me or we would have done that with the first eye then maybe the second eye would never had gone bad!!
  •  What is the point of living this life when everything / everyone dies eventually?!? This is depressing!
  • My mom loved you (and Lou-Lou) so much too! She didn’t get to say good-bye to you! Waaaaa!!My mom snuggles Beau 2008
21) I am feeling so unworthy of all the trust you placed in me to care for you.
  • Unworthy of your unconditional love!!! Gasp!
  • I feel such guilt for not doing ALL I could have for you!
  • My ignorance should be no excuse!!
20) I am jealous that the neighbor’s dog is probably older than you, but he’s still around!
  • He seems to be doing fine.
  • Oh, but he’s a mixed breed.
  • I never get jealous… but I am in this moment!
  • Others around us, they seem to be able to “go on living” without any thought about what we’re going through! The nerve! (I know, emotions are not logical!)
19) I feel anger at myself for not doing more! But, how much more could I “really” do?
  • Anger at the doctors, especially that opthamologist we saw a year a a half ago for not offering the eye removal option!!
  • They just wanted me to keep bringing you back to them every three months for a refill script / recheck for a compounded eye drop that you’d supposedly need every day of your life (mail order available only from NJ!!). Such bullshit!! Beau 2009 hanging out
19) I am discouraged that other people and doggies have to go through this trauma too!!
  • What discourages me is the inevitability of it all!
  • Why live this life if it’s all so futile?
  • Look how adorable both you (and Lou-Lou) were back in the day (2008) with my mom! My mom with Beau and Lou-Lou 2008
18) I don’t feel revenge – yet.
Wait, perhaps I do! I think I understand the revenge thing now. I feel that for myself. So, anger turned outward is revenge or spite. But, anger turned INWARD is depression, guilt, or self-loathing.
17) I am angry at myself for not being more bold on your behalf! But, I know you couldn’t live in your physical body forever. Ugh! This anger really feels strong in my body. I think yes, anger turned inward, to myself, causes depression, sadness, and pain.
16) I am discouraged.
  • I am disheartened that you suffered needlessly for months, (Gasp!) God forbid, more than a year!!
  • I am utterly discouraged with some of the veterinarian’s we went to over the years.
  • What about the guy who told me you just had “old doggy eye”. Jesus! Was he for real?
  • Then the next doctor, who I really liked, when I told him what the previous doctor had said, did not disagree with him, but did suggest more medications for you. And that I should take you to an opthamologist, which I did.
  • I am discouraged for others, that they’ll have to find a way, and figure this stuff out – even while their doggies (or cats) suffer needlessly. Why can’t we just “know” it all? Why can’t we go to one person, Google it, or read a book to find out?
  • Why all of this time seemingly wasted on the “trying” to figure it out?
15) I blame myself for your pain.
  • I will never trust myself to ever have another pet.
  • I am horrible! Besides, I could never replace YOU!
  • You were my best boy and best doggy EVER. Period!
  • This is the worst ever feeling!
  • I am so sorry Beau!!!
  • I trusted professionals to help (oh, maybe now I feel vengeful?) the experts should have given us the option a year ago to have your eye removed! Beau after Critter Oil bath3
14) I am worried if I did the right thing in “releasing” you.
  • My adult children (thank you sweet ones) have comforted me, saying I did, but I have all of these questions racing through my mind. Angst!
  • I almost never worry, but I am holding my worry finger (as I learned in Jin Shin Jyutsu) so I must be worried.
  • I feel the need to harmonize my worry over your suffering.
  • You almost never showed discomfort! But that didn’t mean you didn’t feel discomfort! Oh Beau! My best boy! Beau front Aug 2014
13) Doubt. Didn’t what I just say, show how much doubt I am in? Doubt and worry seem so tightly joined!
  • I doubt that I did the right thing (releasing you from your physical body), and then I doubt that I waited too long to do it!
  • I can’t make up my mind at all when I am in doubt.
  • I am mentally running to and fro!
  • This is sickening!
  • I cannot allow myself to stay in doubt for too long. I will make my stomach upset. I will make myself crazy… okay I might already be on “that train”. Hmmm
  • I doubt that I’ll get “your” ashes back, and what would I do with them anyway?
  • I doubt that your physical remains will comfort me. I took a lock of your fur – that comforts me a little.
  • I doubt I’m going to feel any better today. Beau and Lou-Lou Easter haircuts 2009
12) I am so ridiculously disappointed in myself.
I should have known better, and not stopped researching until I totally resolved your eye issues.
Why? Because I recall a dog trainer I had taken Lou-Lou to for several weeks, years ago told me, “The dog is this tall, but you are this tall! You can see things and make the choice to avoid them!” Truer words have never been spoken. Even if you are five feet tall, you are taller than your dog and can navigate them through life.
11) I am overwhelmed by sadness.
  • I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.
  • I look at your picture on my desk at work, and I cry.
  • I start to talk about you to someone, and I cry.
  • But I am starting to see that sometimes, I don’t cry.
  • And that makes me know that I am definitely reaching, trying to find, a better feeling place – even if just for a few seconds or minutes in between thoughts of you.
  • Thoughts of missing you so very much.
  • I was overwhelmed with responsibilities and did not place you in a higher priority of concern.
  • I am overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends during this time (though I do not feel deserving of it).
10) I am frustrated and irritated with the way I handled, or failed to appropriately handle my grief. Okay though, that’s one reason I am working through the emotions via this blog.
Oh, a few people attempted to encourage me out of my sadness, but yes, that just irritated me more!
9) I guess I am being quite pessimistic right now, never wanting another pet. Sheila and Beau Bike Week Daytona 2010
8) I sense boredom is around the corner for me.
But wait, I’ve got a ton of pictures of you that I can share. And I found where I had made a Daily Puppy page for you years ago — HERE.
And, the author of a book I am editing offered me her sincere words of compassion when she emailed me:
“Your beautiful and precious dog will be by your side forever more.” Thank you my dear, Lela Starseed.
7) Will I ever feel content again? You used to make me feel content when you would lay on the couch with me! Beau fav place Aug2014
6) Will I ever feel hopeful again? I hope you are running, jumping, and playing in your Spirit ethereal body that is whole and new!!
  • On the day of your release, our new vet told me that you’d meet Lou-Lou again at the Rainbow Bridge (and we laughed for a moment, that you may not want to!) then I said, “Beau, look for your tall white dog friend!”
  •  A couple days later, I’m calling in my family who passed, to find you.
  • I remember when I was a child, other kids would say, “don’t have a pity party”, during times when I displayed sadness. I also know self pity can be self destructive. How can we balance all of these feelings, when Recovery groups tell us we must allow ourselves to “feel our feelings”?
  • I know I need to move out of, rise above, the feelings of sadness about Beau.
  •  I am hopeful that as, We Are All Connected, you have reconnected with my family who loved you too! Oh… this is how I can reach for hopeful feelings! This is hope!Beau 2008 so handsome
 5) Everything I have learned about ‘life after death’ tells me, ANYTHING is possible!
  • I can feel optimism for you when I visualize you with a big white dog!
  • Was it an English Setter that you fell so in love with?
  • I have been researching this, and asking others, because I am still trying to pull myself, consciously, up this list (to feel better)! 
    Beau back Aug 2014
4) I am attempting to reach for thoughts of positive expectation, to believe you live on – somewhere.
  • While visualizing you crossing over the Rainbow Bridge, I see you dancing for a big white dog!
  • Perhaps, you’re even frolicking!?!
  • I focus on the fact that you’re no longer suffering.
  • I know you’re out of pain. Beau 42613
3) Oh, how in the world can I be happy? How can I feel enthusiasm / eagerness again – about anything?
  • I know that “life goes on”. I don’t like it, so now, I’m back to #9.
  • I know the emotional guidance system is not linear. I will go up and down this ladder many times over – for as long as it takes.
  • I know you’re out of pain. Beau Christmas 2008
2) I know passion is out there. In my future.
  • I remember the passion I had when you first came into my life. How small you were!
  • I remember sweetly, what it felt like to nurture, train, feed, bathe, and care for you. Beau 2003
1) I know joy is out there. In my future, I will remember how much joy you brought me. Those memories will have to sustain me, because you’re no longer here! Sniff!!! Tear. I miss you so very much! But somehow, I will smile again when I think of you. Someday, I will smile and not get a tear in my eye. da beauster
  • Because I will ALWAYS appreciate having had you in my life.
  • Because I know how to empower myself, to reach for better feeling thoughts, via multiple emotional healing modalities – yes, even at the lowest of times.
  • Because I know you’re FREE! You’re experiencing FREEDOM. Oh, sweet ultimate freedom!
  • I am grateful, so beautifully grateful, to have experienced your love, and to have loved you!
  • Beau came to show me that Lou-Lou loved me unconditionally too, but in a different way. She just expressed unconditional love differently than him! Beau and Lou-Lou in the coach Dec 2010
  • Remembering the wonderful way my beautiful granddaughter would say, “Awe!” When I would lift Beau to the camera to say hello to her when we would Google Hangout or Skype. She would say that with such a compassionate voice, just like she knew how he was feeling, or just because as a child, she loves furry creatures. I don’t know, but it warms my heart to recall how she said it.
  • Talking with a friend and relating a memory about a time when we were walking and someone yelled at me to get Beau away from their grass, I looked up at the sky and exclaimed, “thank you Beau! I will never have to go through that again!”
  • All of this knowledge, it is helping me to feel better. And I am open to receive more knowledge.

UPDATE 25-Oct-2015: Just when I had begun, and I do mean “begun” to feel I’d worked through all of my feelings (figured out how to get all the way to number one on the emotional guidance scale… I slid right back down to #15 (at least) and started crying when my beautiful little four year old granddaughter asked to “see Beau” while we were on video conference tonight! Damn, where was my emotional balance that had begun to feel better? It all went to shit, and fast. I had to jump right back on here and read my list again!!

UPDATE 27-Oct-2015: My wonderfully supportive husband put a big picture of you (Beau) on our iMac desktop. When I sat down at the computer and touched it, lighting up the desktop to reveal your picture, I gasped, “Oh, Beau!” and then, “Oh, thank you hubby! What beautiful thing to do!” It was this close-up of Beau taken about six or seven years ago. He was in perfect health! But, I started to cry…

UPDATE 28-Oct-2015: I don’t know what happened. But, when I came home from work today (after having my Pilates workout), I signed onto the computer, saw Beau’s close-up picture and I smiled! Yes, finally! It’s been a week now after his passing and I can actually smile and think of GOOD memories when I see his picture. This is wonderful progress back to my normal emotionally balanced set point. We went to dinner also, and I was able to show the picture I took of the computer desktop, 1) to give my husband props for doing this, and 2) to show off Beau. He’s such a cutie. I was able to talk about him and not cry. I still miss him, and yes, I catch some emotion in my throat when I go to plug my phone in, near where his water bowl was, but I am letting go of the overwhelming emotions.

A week later I still cry when I look at his picture (not every time, but often). So, why? Because I miss him!
I still feel guilt about not doing more sooner to alleviate his infection / illness. (even guilt about perhaps I should have put him down sooner!)
I could allow myself to feel guilty about EVERYTHING to do with his ill health but, in reality, I know I tried. As my kids and I have discussed many times, we can only do the best we can about anything at any given time based on the information we understand at the time.
I must give myself a break.
UPDATE 1-Nov-2015: I updated this post with pictures of Beau. After meditating yesterday, doing a journeying process at Alania’s studio, I am, just this morning, able to go through all of the pictures and videos I have of Beau (and Lou-Lou) and find special ones to share — without crying. I am finally, now, at a point where I have some emotional balance about everything that happened. All of the good, the utter joy of having Beau in my life, and the not-so-good stressful times… during his ills.
I wrote a eulogy for Beau, a little at a time, during the ‘decision’ time. I shared it on Facebook then, but not here — until now. This is the link to it — HERE.
UPDATE 7-Nov-2015: My dad and mom have a mixed breed who had puppies three months ago. When we visited, my dad really wanted me to have one of the three puppies. I just couldn’t do it. Too many reasons. One, it was just too soon. And two, I still don’t know if I ever want another. But, I know it might be the last gift my parents are able to give me. Ugh! And yes, the puppies are oh, so cute! There is a black, brown, and reddish colored one – she’s the smallest. Adorable! Almost a Yorkie. Then a snow white one, a bit bigger. She’s also a girl. What a princess. All of their personalities are similar to Beau’s. Quite docile. Then a beige or light golden boy. He is the largest of the three, just a bit smaller than his mom and all three are three months old. How much bigger will they get? My son put an ad on Craig’s list. We sat there all afternoon meeting with would be “parents”. One young man took Princess home, bathed her, only to return her awhile later. His girlfriend did not agree in their having a second dog. But awhile later, she was adopted by another young couple. We were glad to be able to meet and visit with each adopting couple, so we knew they were going to good homes. The next morning, after I left, my son let me know the third, the golden boy, was also adopted by an older married couple. Ah! Because when I had left he was giving me those “eyes” like,
Why aren’t you taking me?” — that broke my heart.
At any rate, that day, I talked with my dad and he said the mommy, Sunday, was still crying and looking for her puppies. Had they waited too long to let the puppies go?
UPDATE 10-Nov-2015: Dad called me and was still upset about all the puppies being gone and said Sunday is still crying for them. I am at a loss except that I think perhaps I should send Sunday a nice stuffed animal to have. I also researched and found that when we (the people) are still upset, the dogs will pick up on our feelings and display similar emotions.
UPDATE 11-Nov-2015: I Google Hangout with my granddaughter and show her my two stuffed doggies that my husband bought me years ago, that resemble our Beau (and Lou-Lou). She seemed really happy that I had them, and she accepted my short story about Beau crossing the Rainbow bridge and being healthy and happy now. And that he had left us these “replicas” of them for us to remember them by. I still have my moments when I cry. But, I know that in the big scheme of things, that’s okay.
So, yes this has all definitely been a process. The goal was to be able to reach for any of the thoughts higher than #11 I guess, in order to be in a so-so kind of minimum good feeling place about Beau not being here anymore. Obviously, being at #1 or #2 all the time (about his not being here in the physical realm) was something, at that time, I never thought could happen. But, some of those thoughts, along with most of the thoughts being in the good feeling range, eventually helped me overcome the feeling of wanting to burst into tears when anyone asked about him, or when I would see another Shih-Tzu that looks like him, etc.
I have talked with others who have told me they still cry, years later, about the loss of their pet. And as an empath, I feel very deeply. I knew if I could figure out a way, or at least, “allow” myself the space to exist where I could attempt to feel better, it would help me, emotionally. Holding onto hurt, loss, guilt, grief, and all of those painful feelings can cause dis-ease in the body (which, I want to avoid if possible).

I hope others can benefit (at least a little bit) from my process. Love and many blessings to all (furry and human).